Personal Transformation Experience
Sai Baba, My Self
“I walk from city to city, from street to street, from home to home to find you all. Even if I told you more about it, you would not understand.” These are most compassionate words of our mother Sai, words full of significance and love; that I can fully vouch for, with my life. He does not give up on His children. The amount of effort He has put to bring us back to Him cannot be described in words.
After Swami’s departure from His physical form in 2011, my devotion and strength significantly weakened as I did not see any way out of the misery that my life was. I cherished His physical presence a lot. Although I was still feeling Swami’s presence beside me like before, my efforts in pleasing Him almost diminished due to deep inner depression.
That lasted for few years, until the patience of our dear Lord Sai finished. He was not ready to give up on me and was already walking behind me from home to home, from street to street to not let me go away. In 2016, He gave me books by Catherine Kapahi – Lord Sathya Sai Baba speaks from His Lightbody – that were supposed to wake me up to new reality and build motivation for spiritual effort. Unfortunately, bad habits were resurfacing every time I strived to keep with some regular practise and there were little results.
This time, however, Sai decided to do everything to put me in the right path. He was even coming every day to me and reminding about good meditation position, what I should focus in practise and on repeating – “next time you will succeed and become better”!
That lasted for months; when He was shouting, promising and doing everything to keep me high and not slip into despair again. Finally, after months of battles, He used his final weapon - He told me that I will lose this golden opportunity if I do not wake up.
That struck a chord in my heart. Something broke within and from that day onward I decided never to give up. I still remember a vivid dream after two months from that moment. We were both in Sai Kulwant Hall. Swami was sitting on his divine throne and I was far away. I ran straight to Him, fell at His feet. Then it happened, He simply took me and put me by His side, hugged me with deep love and said that He is so happy that I am again with Him!
That was the surrender He wanted from me. No matter how hard it would be, how great an effort it required, I decided to stay with Sai, live with Sai and walk with Sai. Although there were many tribulations during the time in-between, the bond could not be broken again.
Later, He brought me to Muddenahalli through His divine instructions and from that time all experiences have changed. He started shining inside me as a thousand suns so often; giving His love and support from within. I brought a book called `Sai Baba, my Self` to Darshan Hall and Swami signed it for me, full of mysterious smiles! I was yet to understand the meaning of it. But still, my little efforts have already been abundantly rewarded by his compassionate love. True are His words that one step from our side is enough for Him to take a hundred steps and even more!
He did not stop there. Still new experiences were to come. During Christmas 2018, I came yet again to celebrate Christmas at the divine lotus feet. I had tough months behind me where there were not too many divine experiences but a lot of internal struggle.
I gave Him a letter with humble words of offering myself at His divine lotus feet on Christmas morning, and then magic happened. When he took the letter from my hands, He looked straight at me. I was immediately filled from my feet to the top of my head with His divine love and that love refused to leave throughout all my stay in Muddenahalli!
His constant love made miracles. It was taking me to the shores of His oceanic love where my identity was blurring with His Self and there were sometimes no two, only one! That was yet again a new experience which woke up new consciousness within - Sai and I are not different. We are One and the same. And that deep feeling was just growing with passing time, with every day of new love flowing from Sai within. So much love, day by day, is shining like a sun from within. It is disappearing also from time to time but is always bound to return because of His grace!
It took months until I reminded myself of the only book that Swami ever signed for me. It is now lying on my small altar at home with His signature within, every day reminding me about its title - Sai Baba, my Self. Truly, there could not be better summaries of our experiences and the golden path that His mercy bestowed on me.
I never dreamed of such abundant love, such care and guidance that the greatest Lord has bestowed upon me, in spite of all my shortcomings. True are His words that little efforts in present times are needed to please Him. Sincere heart, open mind, regular practise and foremost - deep longing for Him, to be with Him, to become Him only for His sake is enough!
Do not let this golden opportunity fade away with passing time as little is demanded from us and a lot can be achieved easily. Wake up and promise Sai that you are forever His and nothing is more important than that. He will do the rest with His boundless compassion as He is the only doer, and all belongs to Him.
I am, and I always will be grateful to my Master for bringing me to the shores of this golden reality where boundaries between me and Him are blurry and I am within Him and He is within me. At the shores of this golden love there is only gratitude for all mighty Sai as He is all that exists and there is nothing inside me and outside that is not Sai or not given by this oceanic consciousness called Sai! I offer my Koti Pranams at the divine lotus feet of Sai!
Region 3, Poland